Saying goodbye

{ May 24, 2012 @ 12:20 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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When I packed my bags 4 years ago, ready to start a new life with a new husband, I never imagined that I’d be having to repack my bags and restart a different sort of new life. But alas, things happen and life goes on.

As I get ready to say goodbye to this little town of Boca Raton, I find myself saddened at the thought of not seeing the family members and friends that I’ve grown accustomed to seeing and meeting up for a cup of tea. Marriage changed me, completely. And these people were the ones to see the changes in me, though unrealized. 

The last time I went to Houston, he took me to the airport, despite our protests not to (due to his health). But he insisted and didn’t listen. I’m happy he chose not to listen. And when I came back to Boca Raton, he greeted me at the airport with a kiss. And that, for him, was unusual. But I could tell he missed me more than the usual amount.

Going to the airport this time is going to be a challenge–not having him there. My heart tightens at the thought. I used to get sad at the thought of not seeing him for the few weeks I went home but now, I have to get used to the idea of not seeing him ever again (in this life). 

People ask me what I feel without him around. And the answer is lonely. We were the best of friends, and the best of everything. We complemented each other, completely. And going through life without holding his hand is going to be a challenge. I realize that as the days pass. I’m not sure if I’m ready to conquer this new life and say goodbye to the old one. 

But like I always say, I’ll get through it. No doubt. I have God. And my daughter. And our wonderful, loving family and friends. Alhamdulillah.

Thank you…

{ May 13, 2012 @ 7:24 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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…everyone. For your support. Love. Words of condolences and concern. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for us and still continues to do so. I don’t show it much because my emotions are so scattered. But truly, thank you.

Especially to our family–the way that everyone’s stopped living their daily lives and come down here to help us cope. Safi and I are truly blessed. And if he were here, he’d say the same. Thank you.

One month

{ May 12, 2012 @ 2:48 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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One month since I bid him farewell. One month since I last kissed his cheek and stroked his beard. One month since I took a deep whiff of his familiar smell, a habit I picked up over the years. One month since my tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on his forehead. One month since I watched his body being lowered into the ground and covered with earth. One month since his soul left his body and went back to the Creator.

Soon this one month will turn into months and years. I know it will get easier because life has to go on.

But it has been a month of sadness and getting used to him being gone. It’s been a month of feeling a familiar tug at my heart when the phone buzzes and I think it’s him. Old habits.

A few weeks before he passed, he cracked a joke when I told him I fall asleep thinking about him, sleep thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. He told me I stole that line from a song. Funny guy. I really didn’t. But even with him gone, I still fall asleep, sleep and wake up thinking about him. But this time, it’s thoughts about good memories instead of worries about his declining health.

It’s only been a month. It’ll get better. It has to.

But when I look into our baby girl’s eyes, I see him. And that’s forever.

First Meet

{ May 5, 2012 @ 7:05 pm } · { Marriage }
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I’ll never forget our first meet. It lasted only 20 minutes but that was enough for the both of us to know that we wanted to be married.

Before meeting him face-to-face, I asked my matchmaker to describe him for me. I had seen pictures before, but pictures never do justice. Especially for him.

“He’s good-looking. Tall. Nice beard. Dressed nice”. My heart fluttered like butterflies.

Of course, to my 21-year-old self back then, “dressed nice” only meant something on the body of an Express Men mannequin. (Hah, no wonder I put off such a high-maintenance attitude).

So saying a few prayers to myself , I went out into the living room and waited for him to join me. As he approached, I looked at him and exchanged a small smile. Good-looking was an understatement. And then, I looked at his outfit and thought “Why is he wearing that shirt?!”. Now, before you readers judge me–I was 21 and didn’t know any better. But yes, how very high-maintenance of me.

We conversed for 20-minutes–about Texas, Florida, taxes, Jon Stewart, and the topic that drew us in–children. 20 minutes is all it took.  I later found out that as soon as he left from meeting us, he called his dad and told him I was the one.

We were married almost 6-months-to-the-day later.

And that shirt? I fell in love with it, just like I fell in love with the owner. It held a special story for us–a story that brought us many laughs and jokes over the 3+ years of marriage. I took it to the hospital for him to wear home, if/when he was released. It now sits in a box of my belongings. Although he hadn’t worn it in a long time, it still smells like him. And some day, I plan on sharing its story with our daughter and passing it on to her husband, God-willing.

Old habits are hard to break.

{ May 2, 2012 @ 11:31 pm } · { Life, Marriage }
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Today, I saw a tablet that allowed users to draw on it and project the illustration onto a computer screen. Immediately, I thought to myself : “Wow, Rube would go crazy over this”. And then it hit me, like it always does: He’s not here.

Old habits are hard to break. I’m finding that out more and more everyday. Lately, I’ve been going through little moments in life where the thought of sharing them with him immediately perks me up.

Moments like the ones I share with Safi–where she babbles a new word or learns a new action. Or moments where I’ll discover a new halal restaurant has opened up nearby and get ready to share the information with him. Or moments where I’ll discover a silly picture of him in the house and have a need to tease him. Or moments where I need his advice. Or just simple moments–any moments.

But then, like the sudden whiff of his cologne, reality hits me–like it always does. He’s not here. 

The other day I found myself getting ready to make a plate of food for him. Old habits are hard to break.

It’s not that I’m in denial–I’m really not. I just have moments where, for a split second, I forget that he’s gone. And just for that split second, I find a glimmer of joy.

And the hardest moment of all—when I wake up in the morning and look for him. Old habits are hard to break.

But they’ll be broken, eventually. Till then, I’ll be having these moments. And dream of sharing them with him in heaven.

 

 

Tiny blessings

{ April 18, 2012 @ 10:27 pm } · { Cancer, Family }
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Safiyah was only an 8-week old fetus when my husband came home and told me the news that shook my world.

“Baby, they found cancer”.

But just like I prepared myself for his passing, I had prepared myself for the news. Over the course of the past few months, I’d witnessed  his health slowly deteriorating. He had lost so much weight in a relatively short amount of time. He was constantly tired and for a man who had an avid interest in basketball and soccer, that wasn’t a good sign. His appetite decreased and his stomach problems continued to increase as time passed.

But still…cancer. I’ll always have a profound distaste for the word.

I’ve got to let it be known though…alhamdulillah for being pregnant at that time. Or otherwise, we wouldn’t have had a child. And I wouldn’t have a real piece of my husband to hold today. Safi was there for us, at the right time and in the right place. Alhamdulillah for tiny blessings indeed.

And of the nine months that Safi has been in our lives, he was in the hospital for half the time. Although it was difficult to not have him at home as much as we would have liked, I’m glad Safiyah was and is still too young to understand what was and is going on. And because of that, I have one less thing to worry about for now. Alhamdulillah for tiny blessings.

Of everything else going on in our lives, having to explain to our baby girl that Baba had gone Home (to his Creator)  would have been the most infinitely difficult. And alhamdulillah, that is one less thing to worry about. For now. Alhamdulillah for tiny blessings.

On my husband’s passing.

{ April 17, 2012 @ 4:24 pm } · { Cancer, Islam, Marriage }
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He passed away, peacefully, on April 11th. As he took his last breath, I saw his suffering come to a sudden stop. Then a smile. And then, just like that, his soul left his body. Like a butterly, he came into my life, fluttered his delicate wings and before I knew it, he flew back. Just like that. The details of his passing are still too raw to blog about. But I’ll tell you this.

His peace is my peace.

For some people, death is unexpected and sudden. And it shakes everyone to their very core.

But for him, death was expected. It was a preparation to be closer to his Creator. And an end to his suffering here in this world.

Up until the last few minutes of his life, my beloved Popeye struggled with his health. He fought such an unbelievable and such an amazing battle with cancer. The disease took over his body but he never uttered a word of complaint. Such a patient man was he. I pray that I can carry on his legacy. I pray that our daughter will have the same strength and patience that her daddy had. And I pray that everyone comes to peaceful terms with his passing.

He’s gone. But he remains in our heart. His memory is forever engraved. His signature smirk is forever embedded. He’s missed. So sorely missed. But he’s loved. And remembered. And cherished.

And I’m lucky. I have a real piece of him to hold and love. I have our daughter. Our sweet little daughter, who has the same signature smirk. And even at just nine months, I see pieces of his personality in her. I’m lucky.

Alhamdulillah for everything, for every little blessing is a gift.

Inna ma’al usri yusra. With hardship comes ease.

Rest in Peace, Rubayet Khan. 
March 6, 1979 to April 11, 2012.
He will be forever missed and forever loved. 

I’m baaack

{ March 21, 2012 @ 12:29 am } · { Uncategorized }
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So….I’m back. Finally. After a totally UNINTENDED hiatus. I miss blogging. I talk about blogging . I think about blogging. While I drive, I blog in my head. But when the time comes to blog, I’m all bloggled out.

So I apologize for this long hiatus. A friend of mine keeps asking me to blog and I love her support. So this is to finally entertain her a bit. Anyhow..

So why the long absence? If you remember, a while back, I was in Houston. I flew back and ever since then, my beloved husband has been sick. As some of my readers know, he’s a cancer fighter (my Popeye) and the disease is still in his system. He went into the hospital New Year’s Day and has been there ever since. I don’t want to bore you with details but let’s just say that the cancer got a hold of his body…real good. BUT, he is doing much better than he was just a few weeks ago, alhamdulillah!

My little munchkin is 8 months old. She’s getting to be a handful and oh-so-fun. She enjoys checking herself out in the mirror and goes crazy with love when we visit Daddy in the morning. She’s babbling and is currently working on her SEVENTH teeth. YEAH! SEVENTH.

Between hospital visits, mommy duties and errands, my day is over before it even starts (exaggeration intended). But keeping busy keeps me sane. However, I don’t feel that each day is as productive as it can be. A friend of mine suggested reading 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think. And I think I’ll give it a try. My time-management skills are superb in my head but less-than-sucky in reality. Laziness and TIME (ironically) plays a big role. Hopefully, this read will help.

Well, this was a short “I’m baaack” blog but I’ll be back sooner than later, hopefully. Till then…

Munchkin Side-Note: She just woke up and like the kitty-cat she is, started playing with this laptop. So that means…my night is officially over. Goodnight!

Baby Regrets (?!)

{ January 20, 2012 @ 11:55 am } · { Family }
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BabyCenter recently had a question on their Facebook page asking readers to share their biggest regret as a parent. My regret? Reading the answers. No joke. Most of the “regrets” listed were complaints…about sleep schedules, co-sleeping, bottle-nixing, etc. I mean, there were a few legitimate regrets, don’t get me wrong. But seriously, the complainers sounded like they needed a shot of reality to wake them up from their “my life is over” nonsense. Let me give it to you in simple terms, complainers. Your life is NOT over. It’s just no longer just about you. If you think marriage/relationships are about selflessness, parenthood will kick that thought to the curb.  Parenthood is about selflessness. It’s about doing things for the sake of your child(ren), instead of for you. Now, I know parents, especially the primary caregivers, need a break from time to time. After all, parenting is HARD work. I need a break more often than I’d care to admit. BUT, you can’t break away from reality completely and you can’t regret what seems to help your children. At the end of the day, your sacrifices will make a difference in your child(ren)’s life and that alone, can make a difference in yours.

If home is where the heart is…

{ November 30, 2011 @ 12:26 pm } · { Family }
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…then I must have two hearts, one in Florida and one in Houston with my family. These last two weeks were spent in Houston, TX with my parents, sister and loved ones. And it was baby’s first trip. It felt like the trip of a lifetime-very therapuetic in nature. These last couple of weeks have left me feeling refreshed and like my old self. For those of you who know me really well, you’ll know that it has been months since I have felt “normal”. And I use the word lightly.

Here (in Houston), I’m somebody else. Someone’s friend. Someone’s daughter. Someone’s sister. Someone’s best friend. Not that I’m not someone’s something in Florida but there’s something special about Southern hospitality that just can’t be beat. Perhaps it’s the fact that I spent almost two decades in this old city.

Or the fact that people are inclined to drop everything and visit for a bit.  (An hour and half is not a short drive). Whatever it is, Houston will always have my heart.

My only regret about this trip? Not being able to see everyone I wanted to. Not having a car at all times and hardly having cellphone reception can be put to blame. (I recieved massive amounts of texts at one time, days after they were originally sent. And people didn’t recieve my messages!)

Right now, I have my daughter strapped to me via Baby Bjorn. We are headed home to Florida, back to our daily lives. Excitement is slowly creeping in, as we haven’t seen Abu Safiyah (means Safiyah’s father) in two weeks. It’s been a long day, starting at 5:30 a.m. A nice long nap sounds good…

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