Lately, Safiyah has been asking about a “daddy”. She asks about his whereabouts and when he’ll be home. At first, I thought nothing of it. She was just a baby when it all happened. So I just ignored the question or redirected her attention to something else. But then, she started asking about a “daddy” quite frequently–almost daily. And then I mentioned, very casually, that he had gone home to Allah (SWT).
But then, she asks a question which I can’t even begin to decipher–”Where is my new daddy? Is he with Allah (SWT) too?”. She’s not even 3 and these thoughts clearly cross her mind. It broke my heart but I hid the pain I felt for her and told her that one day, she will have a new daddy and he will love her so much. I told her that Allah took her Baba back but one day, He will send an amazing daddy her way.
It hurts to know that she ponders such things in that innocent almost-3-year-old mind of hers. But after talking to a good friend about it, I realized that I can make the best of this experience. As she grows older, my daughter will ask questions. As my friend put it, she will “learn and internalize our life together” and it will be a positve influence in her life. Death is hard on all of us,especially when it is still such an abstract concept. But it doesn’t have to a negative one.
So I want to use my life and teach Safiyah about having hope. I want Safiyah to learn how to dream big and pray harder. I want her to understand that although Allah (SWT) can take important people away from our lives, He will always send other important people our way.
So babygirl, have some hope. The daddy that you ask and dream about will come around one day and he will be amazing, inshAllah. Don’t doubt it. Just pray for it.
“You are a positive person.” , said someone years ago.
“Really? Hmm. Thanks.”, said a dazzled I.
I’d been called many things before. Friendly. Silly. Small. Talkative. But I don’t think I’d ever been called positive. But I did like the way it sounded and so, I decided to adopt that characteristic. Later that night, my cousin told me something that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
He said: “If something is in your control and it doesn’t go your way, then you can only be mad at yourself. If you fail a test because you didn’t study enough, then that’s on you. If something is not in your control but it still happens, then do what you can and just leave the rest up to God”. He had just hit the nail on the head. I had just found the perfect definition to positive.
And so, I began trying to be positive. That was over 3 years ago. And today, I’d like to think I am a positive. Maybe even too positive.
People always dream about being a certain way. I wish I was more patient. I wish I was more hard-working. I wish I was happier. And truth be told, those characteristics can be achieved. If you admire a certain trait in someone, then be it. Find ways to be that way and as Nike says, just do it. My only advice is that you try to adopt one characteristic at a time, so that you don’t become overwhelmed.
My next adoption: Patience…let’s see how it goes.
For two years, I’ve welcomed you, dear readers, into my life. You’ve cried with me. You’ve laughed with me. You’ve prayed with me. As you read my memories, you wiped away my tears. And most of all, you’ve supported me. But as you can see, my blog is now bare. Those memories I once shared are now privatized, tucked away for only my daughter to read when it’s her time. Writing about my struggles used to heal me but after writing for so long about them, they’ve ceased to do so. And thus, I’ve ceased to write about the past. I realize now that sometimes, it’s best to leave the things of the past where they belong. Focus on the now and hope for the future.
But writing is still therapeutic for me. My blog used to be about my feelings but now, I open up my blog to you. Let me write for you. You’ve cried with me so now, let me cry with you. Let me laugh with you. Let me wipe away your tears. Let me help you heal, the way you’ve helped me heal. Write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me help you heal. And if you want me to write about something, feel free to do so.
I want to end this post with a random thought I had today…
It is amazing how the heart heals. It bruises. It breaks. It struggles. But one day, it just heals. Something so fragile, yet so strong. Whatever you are going through…it will end. And you will win. Fight for it and one day, like mine, your heart will heal.
It’s a natural feeling to dwell on the past and think about what could have been. But it’s not always a feasible thing to do. Sometimes, you’ve just got to let things go and allow your soul to fly free. Let go of that balloon weight that’s holding you down and immerse your soul in freedom. Let go of attachments that you can’t change. If it’s impossible to turn back time, it’s impossible to change things that happened before.
Do what I do. Focus on the present and handle the future as it comes.
My mom says I’m too laid-back about certain things but I prefer to think of myself as relaxed. If I can’t change something, why dwell on it? Let bygones be bygones and concentrate on what’s at hand.
Fly free, my beautiful souls. Fly free.